Another crappy day without you....

Hey baby, I'm still missing you. But you already know that, don't you? Thinking of you makes me want to cry, at least today. I know that you can't listen music from youtube but I wish you could, cause Jessica Lowndes has a great song called "Goodbye". It gives me hope but at the same time it makes me sad. God how I want a hug from you. "I'm sorry for breaking all the promises I wasn't around to keep". I'm filled with sorrow, I'm filled with pain because I know that this is all my fault. I should've told you what I felt for you. Well I know that I haven't learned from my mistakes. I still can't say what I feel. You know I'm the kind of girl who is very very shy. It's not my fault that god has made me this way. I just wish I could've told YOU! Everytime I'm in msn and I look at the persons who are offline, you pop out. I just can't delete you. I'm so scared that I'll forget you. Though sometimes I wish I would. i don't think anyone understands what I've been going through or still am. It's so horrible and so painful. I even wouldn't want this to my worst enemy. I keep dreaming, that one day you'll call me and say : " Sorry honey, I had to go away and make it look lika suicide. I've read your blog and I'm so sorry for making you feel this way" but I know that will never happen. I can't believe that it's been almost 3 years and I still haven't visited your grave. I'm so so scared that your mom will be there and that would be very weird and awkward. Anyway, I'm gonna hit the sack. Good night darling.

Your stupid girl
xoxo

Hey sweetie.

Hey sweetheart. Beethoven once wrote :
"Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours "

When I first read it you came to my mind. It describes us in many ways. I know, that we can't be together before I die and don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna commit suicide just to be with you but it has crossed my mind several times. I just miss you so much and I feel like I can't be happy without you. When anyone asks if I've got over you I say yes because I don't need their pity. I know that I'll get over you someday when I find that person who can deal with the fact that you will always be in my heart. I've met so many guys they all have tried to cope with it but they have failed. I know that you're like my guardian angel so can't you just send me someone who won't hurt me because I just can't take it anymore.
I love you and I miss you.
Forever yours the dummest girl in the world.

Hello my love, I'm missing you .

Hello, my love. How's it going? I know you can't read this but I have to put my emotions somewhere. Actually it's kinda weird to talk to you in a blog but I don't wanna write a letter because eventually I'd end up burning it. It's been over 2 years but there still isn't a day when I don't think about you. It's like you ain't dead, it's like you're living somewhere far off where nobody can visit you. I think it's probably caused by the fact that I haven't visited your grave yet. I'm always thinking of doing it but I'm too scared that I might meet your mother there and things would go wrong. When I'm at your grave(in my imagination) I always listen to Terminaator - Ingli puudutus because I'd like to see you there. I'd like to see you for the very last time without saying anything bad because as you remember the last thing I said to you was "Whatever". I hate myself for doing that. I should've tried to stop you, I should've believed you. But you know what I am,a bitch who doesn't care about anybody. I now realize why nobody cares about me and why should they? I'm just a stupid stupid girl who doesn't know how to communicate with other humans. Damn, tears started falling again. Honey, I miss you so bad, I wish you'd hug me right now. I need you to hug me and tell me that it was just a long and bad dream and that you'd never leave me. I can imagine that this text doesn't have texture and that it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't have to, the main thing is that you realise how much I miss and love you.
Forever yours , the most stupid girl in the world.

Tere jälle, kauge võõras.

Järjekordselt ajendas mind kirjutama laul, Bad Orange - Ainuke. Kuuldes rida : " Mis toimub minuga nüüd, kui sa teaks.." see lihtsalt pani mind jälle sinule mõtlema. Sinu silmadele, sinu häälele mida mäletan ma nii häguselt ja sinu iseloomule. Hell kuid samas karm. Pidutseja kuid samas mõtlik. äkiline kuid samas ettevaatlik. Sul olid nad kõik nii vastandlikud. Vahepeal ma unistan sellest, et milline oleks meie suhe olnud. Me olime nii erinevad kuid miski nagu ühendas meid. Hetkel sulle mõeldes ei tiku mulle pisarad silma nagu nad varem tegid. Ma üritan meenutada sind tervikuna kuid mul tulevad vaid üksikud asjad meelde. Näiteks su kulmuneet mida kõik koguaeg tahtsid puutuda. Heh, see pakkus kõigile alati nalja ja tülgastust ühes. Mul tuleb ka see meelde kui ma su huule katki hammustasin ja sa üritasid vastu hammustada. Ei tulnud vist eriti välja, võimis? Kuid kallis, ma pean minema, mu elu kutsub. See kutsuks sindki, kuid eks iga üks teeb ise oma valikud. Head aega kallis.