Another crappy day without you....

Hey baby, I'm still missing you. But you already know that, don't you? Thinking of you makes me want to cry, at least today. I know that you can't listen music from youtube but I wish you could, cause Jessica Lowndes has a great song called "Goodbye". It gives me hope but at the same time it makes me sad. God how I want a hug from you. "I'm sorry for breaking all the promises I wasn't around to keep". I'm filled with sorrow, I'm filled with pain because I know that this is all my fault. I should've told you what I felt for you. Well I know that I haven't learned from my mistakes. I still can't say what I feel. You know I'm the kind of girl who is very very shy. It's not my fault that god has made me this way. I just wish I could've told YOU! Everytime I'm in msn and I look at the persons who are offline, you pop out. I just can't delete you. I'm so scared that I'll forget you. Though sometimes I wish I would. i don't think anyone understands what I've been going through or still am. It's so horrible and so painful. I even wouldn't want this to my worst enemy. I keep dreaming, that one day you'll call me and say : " Sorry honey, I had to go away and make it look lika suicide. I've read your blog and I'm so sorry for making you feel this way" but I know that will never happen. I can't believe that it's been almost 3 years and I still haven't visited your grave. I'm so so scared that your mom will be there and that would be very weird and awkward. Anyway, I'm gonna hit the sack. Good night darling.

Your stupid girl
xoxo

Hey sweetie.

Hey sweetheart. Beethoven once wrote :
"Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours "

When I first read it you came to my mind. It describes us in many ways. I know, that we can't be together before I die and don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna commit suicide just to be with you but it has crossed my mind several times. I just miss you so much and I feel like I can't be happy without you. When anyone asks if I've got over you I say yes because I don't need their pity. I know that I'll get over you someday when I find that person who can deal with the fact that you will always be in my heart. I've met so many guys they all have tried to cope with it but they have failed. I know that you're like my guardian angel so can't you just send me someone who won't hurt me because I just can't take it anymore.
I love you and I miss you.
Forever yours the dummest girl in the world.

Hello my love, I'm missing you .

Hello, my love. How's it going? I know you can't read this but I have to put my emotions somewhere. Actually it's kinda weird to talk to you in a blog but I don't wanna write a letter because eventually I'd end up burning it. It's been over 2 years but there still isn't a day when I don't think about you. It's like you ain't dead, it's like you're living somewhere far off where nobody can visit you. I think it's probably caused by the fact that I haven't visited your grave yet. I'm always thinking of doing it but I'm too scared that I might meet your mother there and things would go wrong. When I'm at your grave(in my imagination) I always listen to Terminaator - Ingli puudutus because I'd like to see you there. I'd like to see you for the very last time without saying anything bad because as you remember the last thing I said to you was "Whatever". I hate myself for doing that. I should've tried to stop you, I should've believed you. But you know what I am,a bitch who doesn't care about anybody. I now realize why nobody cares about me and why should they? I'm just a stupid stupid girl who doesn't know how to communicate with other humans. Damn, tears started falling again. Honey, I miss you so bad, I wish you'd hug me right now. I need you to hug me and tell me that it was just a long and bad dream and that you'd never leave me. I can imagine that this text doesn't have texture and that it doesn't make any sense but it doesn't have to, the main thing is that you realise how much I miss and love you.
Forever yours , the most stupid girl in the world.

Tere jälle, kauge võõras.

Järjekordselt ajendas mind kirjutama laul, Bad Orange - Ainuke. Kuuldes rida : " Mis toimub minuga nüüd, kui sa teaks.." see lihtsalt pani mind jälle sinule mõtlema. Sinu silmadele, sinu häälele mida mäletan ma nii häguselt ja sinu iseloomule. Hell kuid samas karm. Pidutseja kuid samas mõtlik. äkiline kuid samas ettevaatlik. Sul olid nad kõik nii vastandlikud. Vahepeal ma unistan sellest, et milline oleks meie suhe olnud. Me olime nii erinevad kuid miski nagu ühendas meid. Hetkel sulle mõeldes ei tiku mulle pisarad silma nagu nad varem tegid. Ma üritan meenutada sind tervikuna kuid mul tulevad vaid üksikud asjad meelde. Näiteks su kulmuneet mida kõik koguaeg tahtsid puutuda. Heh, see pakkus kõigile alati nalja ja tülgastust ühes. Mul tuleb ka see meelde kui ma su huule katki hammustasin ja sa üritasid vastu hammustada. Ei tulnud vist eriti välja, võimis? Kuid kallis, ma pean minema, mu elu kutsub. See kutsuks sindki, kuid eks iga üks teeb ise oma valikud. Head aega kallis.

...

"Kuula, kuula, sulle laulu ma loon.." Mari-Leen kummitab mu peas... Täpselt nagu sina mu kallis.. Kujutad sa ette et möödas on juba aasta ja 2 kuud? Ma tunnen end nii üksikuna. Sind ju ei ole... Tead, parema meelega ma vaataks sind teise tüdrukuga koos. Vähemalt sa oleks elus , ma näeksin sind veel. Ma olen üritanud ja üritanud lahti saada sinu mälestustest kuid see teeks asja ainult raskemaks. "Mul on natuke kurb ja piinlik ka, sulle hüvasti öelda, kuid ei saa.. " Tõesti , ma ei suuda sinuga ikka veel hüvasti jätta , sa ei ole surnud minu jaoks , sa elad. Mitte ainult minu südames , mul on tunne nagu sa elaks , päriselt , kuid teises riigis. Ei, pigem on see mu soov. Ma tean et sa ei saa seda lugeda kuid ma tahan seda oma peast välja ja kirja , paberile kirjutada ei tahaks, ei viitsiks... Igatsus närib mu hinge... Tead, ma näen sind õhtuti enda kõrval voodi peal lebamas, mulle silma vaatamas ja head ööd soovimas. neil õhtutel tahaks ma su kaissu võtta ja kallistada, kõvasti, kõvasti. Tahan et sa teaksid, ma armastan Sind ja jään igavesti armastama, isegi kui abiellun ja saan lapsed oled sina mu südames esikohal ja ma ei unusta sind iialgi !!

igavesti Sinu ! (W) :'(

Just some thoughts

Suicide.... Most people have thought about it... And so have I...
If I go back time to the day when i was 10... Life was great then but now it's my worst nightmare..
You wanna know why?
About 6 months ago I met this cute guy... he was almost everything that I wanted in a guy...
He was cute, careing, gentle... His only problem was that he drunk too much
First time I met him we became friends and later that night he slept with one of my friends... Then i knew that I can't have him....
The other time i saw hime he was drinking again and we kissed... that was the best kiss I ever had...
But that same night he and my best friend were drunk and again he slept with my friend...
When I found out about that I was shocked becaus I really thought that we could be a couple ... I was terrible wrong...
Some weeks later I went to his hometown and called him but he was out of town and asked me don't i wanna go there and sleep with him... ofcourse i said NO! and ended the conversation . then he sent me a SMS that said :"Why did you break up with me?" but we didn't have a relationship...
then about 1 week later he called me and asked me out... I went but he tried to sleep with me in some bushes but then i ran away... that same night he said to me that he loves and that he's gonna hang himself... I didn't belive it... I couldn't because he was drunk....
and the next day his friends called me and said that he was dead... I didn't belive it and thought that it was a sick joke...but it wasn't .
I only knew him for a month!! How could i know that he's gonna do that?
They said that he had written everywhere: Mann! I Love You FOREVER! he even had burned my name in that damn door!!
Everybody blamed me, even i blamed myself... some of them even wanted to kill me and i wish that they would have done that.
For almoust 5 months i have thought about suicide... but i can't to that.. i can't make my family suffer so much....
maybe next time i would tell you all about him and even add a picture...